"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. Two men walk into a bar. No use being a damn fool about it."W.C. No need to repeat. ], 2) I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Neil Gaiman, 75. - Steven Wright. 180 Kindness Quotes to Inspire You To Always Be Kind, 51 When You Feel Like Giving Up Quotes To Motivate You, Top 80 Trent Shelton Quotes On Love, Life And Loyalty. Recent Posts. Now I realize I should have been more specific. Does this taste funny to you?. What do you call a steak thats been knighted by the queen? The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.". "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. 5. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. "Betty White, 61. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. eraser_dust: "Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.". Knock, knock. Its not stroganoff. A: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? is one good icebreaker joke. I'd never let my children watch the orchestra because there's too much sax and violins. Luckily, the folks at Caroo have curated their very own Icebreaker Box to help kickoff your event with a little bit of snacking, team building, and maybe even an adult beverage . Looking for inspirational quotes about being clever? Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. "Cindy Crawford, 40. ' (Jim Gaffigan). Required fields are marked *. Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls, 84. If you don't want me to tell you what I really think, you'd best refrain from asking for my opinion. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Funny one-liners 1. Once you get that key point across, your audience will likely listen to everything else you have to say. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. Here are 40 hilarious one-liner jokes guaranteed to put a smile on both of your faces. Thats okay. In fact, it may not hurt to chuckle a bit yourself. 13. He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. Parallel lines have so much in common, but its a shame theyll never meet. It was a knot-for-profit. Knock, knock. "Garry Shandling, 36. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. 972 Life One Liners - The funniest life jokes - OneLineFun.com I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for . US residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data. Do not walk beside me, either. 21. 2. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. 10 Funniest Funeral Quotes for a Eulogy or Speech | Cake Blog They laughed at me. (Upjoke), 7) What should you do at a Halloween party if a zombie rolls their eyes at you? Grab . Now quiet! Interviewer to job applicant: Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?. 81. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Unknown, 70. Probably why I got run over. (Best Life), 6) I cant believe my parents support my choice of profession! 35. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright), 3) I heard a story that the band Blink-182 incorporated under the name Poo Poo Butt LLC to embarrass their accountants in serious conversations., 4) I thought Id begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun. We have rounded up the best collection of clever quotes, sayings, captions, and status, (with images and pictures) to inspire you to deal with real-life situations intelligently. Stop hating Mondays. Why cant you trust an atom? "Oscar Wilde, 60. Rapport is especially important for presentations where youre trying to persuade an audience of strangers, and you can build rapport with people youve never met (and may not have anything in common with) by using some of the funniest jokes you can find. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day! A.A. 17. "Bill Watterson, 10. and 65 Funny One-Liners That'll Make Anyone Chuckle - BuzzFeed We provide a monthly, curated selection of healthy snacks from the hottest, most innovative natural food brands in the industry, giving our members a hassle-free experience and delivering joy to their offices. If I cared, I would have listened the first time. Nobody gets out alive anyway. the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? People say I'm condescending. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, 7. Life. 4. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. Next, check out these bar jokes that are hilariously funny. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. That's all I've ever wanted. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." We appreciate any shares on Pinterest if you love our work! It was Chewie. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever and witty. Stay up and fight. The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. Co-workers are like Christmas lights. I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that ones work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell, 8. Looking for more than just trust falls? Terms and Conditions In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they're easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up . He thought he was God and I didnt.Men are like toilets. Happiness depends upon ourselves. Aristotle, 48. Required fields are marked *. 14. Wanting to be someone else, is a waste of who you are. Kurt Cobain, 16. Polite tennis players give each other backhanded compliments. "Sir Norman Wisdom, 50. All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today and yesterday. I did an original sin. 6. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams, 5. 56. Funny One Liners. "So this is my life until I win the lottery. Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behaviour decides who stays in your life. Unknown, 26. "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Unknown, 44. "Everybody wants to save the earth. 110 Clever Quotes That Are Catchy, Funny And Witty! 41. 'Mock The Week' Greenlit U.S. Remake Amazon Freevee Trevor Noah - Deadline Samuel L. Jackson, 63. Use fun and funny facts about your team to break the ice at your next meeting. 1) I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. Change the world by being yourself. Amy Poehler, 73. "It takes a long time to grow an old friend.". My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy. 3. Also See: Epic Sarcastic and Bitchy Quotes "Jim Halpert, The Office, 89. Polite tennis players. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. Looking for more than just trust falls? 52. 66. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life Unknown, 11. 45. One bad chapter does not mean your story is over. That's one of my mottos. Exaggerations went up 1,000,000% last year. George Burns, 48. But, if such a sad instance occurs and you couldn't find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks. - John Leonard. Icebreaker jokes like that one command attention. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door. Theres an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker, 18. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Lucie Turkel is a lifestyle and culture writer covering the latest in holidays, books, movies and television, and e-commerce for RD.com. -Janeane Garofalo. Anybody with you? Our child has a great deal of willpowerand even more wont power. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice., 3) Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones?, 4) Did you hear the rumor about butter? Nothing, it was on the house. 35. "I hate housework. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. Dam! (Deny it if you must, person who just Googled "funny dad jokes.") So, in honor of joke-telling dads everywhere, we present the best of the best corny dad jokes and puns, whether you need a few new one-liners to add to your own repertoire, are craving a good chuckle, or are looking for a good Father's Day caption or dad quote to honor your . Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. Death is peaceful. From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? Dive into the categories below and make sure to add more of your own in the comments below. 44. Michael Scott, The Office, 15. Question:What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?Answer: OK you two dont start anything. Why did the parents not like their sons biology teacher? The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in. Your email address will not be published. Heres a funny fact: Nicolas Cage once purchased an octopus to help him with his acting. 92. Life truly is what we make it, so if we have a choice, why not make it fun. 61. There's hundreds of them!". 63. 68. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph! Marvin Phillips, 4. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -, "Light travels faster than sound. 14) When in doubt, mumble. Luckily, this is not difficult." #1. 36. Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Youll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age. What ELLE Editors Are Gifting Their Moms for Mother's Day 2023 Keeping this cookie enabled helps us to improve our website. "For years, Mock the Week delivered a witty spin on the newsentertaining a broad cross-section of the UK audience through funny conversations, one-liners, and improv comedy. A hardened criminal. A gummy bear. Also See: Epic Sarcastic and Bitchy Quotes. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. And I'm not sure about the universe. "Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway." A new wine has been made for cats. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground.
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witty one liners about life